I am existent/ant.

My fear is ostracision. I have grown to realize this. I suspect that explains my tendencies well. I realize there is a complete paradox in essentially admitting that I'd rather live alone and yet feeling like I am not the black sheep or the something that is more insane than the others. I realize that even my irrational behavior will never match the consequences of others, which I should be pleased about. But it's almost kind of ostracizing to me. It's like “What the hell do I have to rationally complain about when I don't have irrationality?” I have awkwardness, which a lot of people have. Michael Cera has made a career out of acting awkward in ways that are endearing. I suspect my awkward tendencies are not endearing, but exist as a facet of me much the same.

But my giant problem is that I have no problems. My parents divorced, which happens a fucking lot. My parents were similarly littered with various emotional and physical problems in relation to their union, which I'd imagine is also common. I'm sure I have that tendency to be bipolar, like the typical modern family has seemed to come down with constantly. But even then, mere images have been the things haunting me for years versus irrational actions.

I think there's almost a layer of me that's completely unlikable because of this. Bringing up problems to someone who has attempted worse makes the point kind of fruitless. I guess the point is to prove that some things are futile, but human comprehension makes such thought similarly impossible. In order to rationalize existence, we have to get out what is bothering us, or else it gets worse. This isn't a justification for bitching...but it sort of is. That's sort of the point of bitching's existence, to get out thoughts we know are needless, but we also know bother us to such a high extent that it is maddening.

Will I ever change? I have the capability. Do I have the willpower? It's certainly possible. I don't feel like the whole atmosphere of fitting in necessarily works with me. The outsider aspect is easily the most fascinating aspect of hanging around a group of people because there's almost no obligation for friendship of all of them. There's nothing that breaks you when you realize that you'll never relate to their emotions in your own personal context. I might be how I am because it's saved me the trouble. I want a bond, but there has to be something just off there. Not that the person is insane, no, but that I can point at with a similar oddness.

As mentioned, my problems maybe come down to basic signs of awkwardness. I have a tendency to shake my hands in a case of moribund excitement, which I have never met a single person who has this, but versus sleepwalking and finding you put a knife to your neck, this is almost rational. Almost. There comes the part of unrelatibility because I will never be as obsessively “normal” (i.e. boring, but at least in control of their own apparent rationality) nor as processionally “fucked up” for a better term. I have moments where I'm nervous, but I haven't had a panic attack. I can speak in prepared manner to a group of people, but unprepared manner kind of baffles me. I'm stunningly normal, and I'm not.

God, even my weight is literally falling on an average. I'm huge enough to have obvious love handles, but not huge to even be classified as fat nor to be considered “the fat friend.” My weight is almost never addressed in conversation, but I don't know what that means, because I don't know people's barometer for what constitutes healthy, or that even a guy's weight all but doesn't matter in the cycle.

So existent it is. I have no idea if this is a rationalization of who I am, but it's an idea. I also have no idea if there's a care in the world for this, but eh, it felt completely necessary to address.